The difficult journey of an
eating disorder is it is never truly over. My three years in recovery have been
a long and wavering road with ups and downs, highs and lows. The burden of
relapse continuously weighs on my chest, for I feel that at any moment I could succumb
to the negative statements tainting my mind telling me that I am not enough.
That I am fat. That I am incapable of being loved. That I am being
overdramatic. These blatant lies used to circle my mind constantly, without
fail. My eating disorder tore me apart emotionally and physically, but I am
proud to say that now, I walk with my head higher
and my heart bigger.
At the vulnerable age of
16, like many people at this phase, I wanted more than anything to be accepted.
The obsession around weight at my high school was obscene and extremely
unhealthy, only feeding into my illness. I couldn’t go a day without someone
commenting on my physical appearance. I
ended up choosing my clothes and friends based on what provided me with the
approval and reinforcement I felt like I needed.
The downward spiral into my
eating disorder began with my insistent denial. There was no way I had an
illness as serious as anorexia. When we think of words like ‘anorexia’ and
‘bulimia,’ perhaps a stereotype of an emaciated young woman pops into our
minds. The truth is, eating disorders
come in all shapes, sizes, and genders. When I was diagnosed, this
stereotype filled my mind, and I could not get past it. When I admitted my
secret to friends and family, I got a myriad of responses, like, “You don’t
look like you have an eating disorder.” Statements like this only fed the fuel
to the addiction that was my eating disorder–the addiction of exercising
excessively, eating as little as possible, and hoping no one noticed...but did at the same time.
It became a vicious cycle
as my body consumed itself, with nowhere to go but down.
During my time in
treatment, I met the most amazing people and mentors. I am lucky to have gone
through one of the hardest times of my life in the company of other people who
supported and loved me despite our differences, and the little knowledge we had
of each other. I kept a small journal with thoughts and drawings depicting my
seemingly endless pain and confusion, but also the bright streams of light that
poured into my worn-out heart from time to time. I realized through my new friends and mentors that there was hope, a
light at the end of the tunnel. I could learn to love myself again.
I could not have done it
without my loving family, friends, and boyfriend, Ryan, who came to eat meals
with me at treatment every single week, without fail. When Ryan tells me I am
beautiful, I can now fully believe it.
When he takes me to eat ice cream (which is often), I get two scoops instead of
one. I eat meals with my family, and actually enjoy the conversations we have.
I cook for myself, and even try new recipes without self-judgment. I practice
yoga, and feel thankful for the incredible things my body can do.
Recovery is not always an
easy road, but I am so glad I chose it. I
am fully myself again. I have opened my eyes wider, and my heart has become
more full. I am ready to take in what the world has to offer, instead of being
afraid.
It is still difficult to
tell my story, as it brings up memories and emotions I never expected nor
wished to feel again–but this time, it is different. Everyday I become stronger
and more ready for whatever the day holds, and I’m thankful to Lydia, for asking me to
share something so personal and vulnerable. It has forced me to recognize my continuing
progress and strength.
A long time ago, I deleted
pictures of myself from when I was anorexic, because when I looked at them, it
was not me in the picture. It was someone else, consumed by an illness. While
that person helped make me strong and resilient, the person I am today matters
much more. The person who is enough. The
person whose weight has been lifted. The person who is capable of being loved.
Tell yourself this
everyday, for it is the truth.
You are enough.
You are loved.
Thank you.
One Response to “II Weight of Glory Initiative II Madelyn's Story II ”
This story of healing is so beautiful! THANK YOU, Madelyn for sharing it! <3
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